How To Be Yourself When You’re Dating

With all the dating advice out there telling us what to do and not to do, many people mistakenly believe that they need to play a certain role to attract the people they really want to be with.

The pressure to appear more desirable to others (and avoid rejection) has made the dating scene like one big masquerade party, where everyone feels the need to wear social masks.

The idea of “being yourself” sounds scary. What if that isn’t good enough? Daters doubt whether they’re accomplished enough, smart enough or cool enough to impress their matches.

Of course, it’s important to put our best foot forward and manage the impression we make on others, because dating is sales-oriented. But no matter how hard we try we can’t control how the other person perceives us—and many singles have a hard time accepting that.

They worry that if they were to be themselves, they’re going to go on less dates and lower their chances of finding The One. Pretending to be a type that attracts their matches is a safer bet. 

They embellish their dating profiles with fancy bios and airbrushed photos to the point of creating a whole new persona. On dates, they say clever things and use slick maneuvers that prevent the other person from seeing and knowing who they are and what they’re all about.

Trying to fit into a mold to appear enticing might gain the attention of potential matches in the initial stages, but in the long run, it’s foredoomed for failure. The truth will eventually come out and one of both people will end up disappointed and even feel lead on.   

While dating is a numbers game, you must focus on quality versus quantity. Quality matches are those who are compatible with you and who appreciate your genuine qualities. While you might go on less dates, you’ll have more enjoyable experiences because you can be yourself.

Pretending and posing in the dating world is a losing strategy—not to mention exhausting. It takes so much more work to be someone you’re not and keep up that image. If you say you love sports, when you actually couldn’t care less for it, you’re going to resent every time your significant other takes you out to watch a major league.

If you want to find someone who’s right for you, be honest about who you are, your needs and your expectations. Learn how to effectively communicate that in your dating profiles and your conversations. This will boost your chances of finding matches who are right for you.

Here are four steps you can take to be yourself when dating and stop pretending. 

Get comfortable in your own skin.

The biggest reason people pretend to be somebody they’re not is because deep down they don’t feel good about themselves. Your insecurities will prevent you from appreciating the value you have to offer and being authentic in your dating approach. Doing the inner work includes resolving those issues to the point where you can own your strengths and be proud about them. Radiating this type of self-confidence will magnetically attract potential suitors to you. 

Don’t let “rules” limit and confuse you.

The dating industry is flooded with information and how-to’s that often ties singles in knots of self-doubt. Should we make the first move or should we wait for them to do that? When is the right time to talk about past relationships? What type of outfits should we wear on dates 1, 2 or 3? If we follow every piece of advice to the tee, our own persona can get lost. Instead, use expert advice as suggestions to enhance your original game plan. For instance, when choosing photos for your profile, pick the most flattering ones as experts suggest, but make sure they emphasize your real qualities. Bookworm? Put up a show-stopping photo of you reading your favorite book at a café. Beach babe? Pick an image of you playing beach volleyball or surfing.  

Reveal yourself gradually.

Revealing your true self should happen gradually and organically. Think of yourself as one big interesting novel that you want your matches to keep on reading. At each encounter, you allow them to read one more chapter of your story that unveils a new aspect of your personality and interests. Taking it slow also filters out the players and gold diggers who will run out of patience during this process, leaving only those matches who chose to stick around because they like what they see and hear, and they want to know more. 

Focus on commonalities and embrace differences.

Being yourself leads to true partnerships, but that doesn’t mean that you and your match need to be cut from the same cloth. While having a lot in common increases your chances of staying happy together, it’s not necessary to do and like the same things. What’s important is that you share core values, beliefs and similar goals related to important areas of life such as finances, lifestyle, kids and marriage. When getting to know your matches, it’s essential to reveal your preferences in these critical areas, before you dive into the deep end. If there’s enough love, you’ll get through other differences—in fact, it can be fun and keep things interesting.

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