5 Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

The term “emotionally unavailable” has been used quite a bit in today's zeitgeist. In the world of dating, we’ve invented cute and catchy terms to describe the tactics used by emotionally unavailable daters—benching, ghosting, zombie-ing, breadcrumbing.

No matter what you choose to call it, these behaviors will leave you feeling unloved, rejected and frustrated. You may have tried to get close to this type of person, but they constantly put up a wall between you, preventing emotional intimacy and getting to know them deeper.  

Before you blame bad luck (or bad karma) for running into this person or fixating on your flaws that could have put them off, consider the possibility that they were not capable of giving you what you want. In other words, they lacked the emotional bandwidth for a healthy relationship.

On the surface, these individuals come across as shallow, inconsiderate, commitment-phobic and allergic to anything touchy-feely, but that’s only scratching the surface. Deep down, they’re afraid of getting too close to someone because of fears of abandonment and rejection.

The sad part is that even if they do like you and have real feelings for you, the idea of being vulnerable and engaging in emotional experiences causes them to feel caged-in and suffocated. When they reach this point, they make excuses, avoid personal conversations or even ghost. 

It’s unfortunate and frustrating when you meet someone who seems to be the perfect match but who can’t meet your emotional needs. That’s why many people try to stick with such a person and work things out, hoping their partner changes with time and allows them to get closer. 

People get into relationships with emotionally unavailable partners because they seem compatible and have great chemistry. But these connections almost always end up in heartbreak because these partners can’t show up for their loved one and provide them with support and safety.

It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship without an emotional connection. To sustain a bond both partners need to be emotionally open and be able to communicate their feelings with each other. Being distant and holding back causes a slow and painful death of the connection.

You can avoid getting to this place by knowing how to spot these types while you’re dating. If a new match is being inconsistent and unclear in their texts and phone calls, or if they pull back every time you get close, consider those red flags. Here are the five signs of an emotionally unavailable person. 

They keep conversation light and avoid deep topics.

After a certain point in dating, your conversations should go beyond “What’s your favorite Netflix show?” or “What did you eat for breakfast this morning?”. If the person you’re seeing shows no interest in deeper conversations, and doesn’t want to share anything profound about themselves and their feelings, they are not comfortable with getting closer. Look out for monosyllabic answers such as “yeah,” “cool,” “I agree.” If they aren’t engaging in real conversations they aren’t ready for a meaningful connection based on emotions. 

They’re always busy and don’t make you a priority.

We’re all busy and we aren’t available all the time, but someone who is interested in a relationship with you will prioritize making time for the two of you and will get back to you. Even if it’s a quick text message that says “Busy at work. Will text you later today,” they’re demonstrating that you matter to them. If they can’t be bothered to share their plans with you and don’t make an effort to call, text or see you on a regular basis, they don’t value you enough. If they’re leaving you guessing about where they stand and when they’ll reach out to you, chances are high they are emotionally unavailable.

They don’t respect your time or feelings.

An emotionally unavailable person is disconnected from their feelings (compared to the average person). This makes it hard for them to empathize with others. That’s why people who get into relationships with them don’t feel supported and understood. They don’t truly listen and show genuine interest in your life and your preferences. When you have conflicts, they might say hurtful and insensitive things instead of finding constructive solutions. These individuals are also not respectful of other people’s time. If someone is constantly asking for a rain check on dates or postponing them without offering another date and time, they are sabotaging the connection. 

They are selfish and don’t like to compromise. 

If your date expects you to make compromises in your life and plans to fit yourself around their schedule, you’re dealing with someone who believes the relationship should revolve around them. They don’t have the emotional intelligence to understand that relationships are a two-way street where both sides need to work together to create a solid connection based on respect, understanding and a balance of give and take. A person doesn’t get this won’t bother asking about your day and the things that matter to you. Their thoughts and energy are directed toward themselves and their interests and needs. If you’re sucked into their selfish ways you might find yourself short changing yourself by discounting your needs and not speaking up for yourself.

Their relationship history is non-existent or full of drama. 

Sure, people make mistakes in their past relationships and some learn from it, but relationship histories can still provide clues about their behavior as a partner and what a future with them could look like. In the case of the emotionally unavailable person, you’ll find that they have either not been in long-term and deep relationships or had relationships that were turbulent and full of drama. They might use their need for independence and space to “be themselves” as an excuse or say things like, “I’m not good at relationships” or “I don’t believe in marriage.” The truth is that they are avoiding the discomfort of emotional intimacy and leave as soon as they get serious. There’s a strong possibility that they have an avoidant attachment style. 

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