Is it Love or Infatuation? Here’s how to know the difference.
You've been swiping for months, and finally, you find a match who sparks your interest. After a few video dates, you decide to meet in person. Suddenly, bam - cupid strikes an arrow at you.
Butterflies in your stomach. Giddiness when they are close to you. School-girl excitement every time they text or call you. Pining for the next time you see them again. It’s the stuff of fairytale romance and chick flicks. You wonder if this person could be “the one”?
All your life (or since your last relationship), you’ve waited to meet someone who made you feel this way. In your eyes, they are an embodiment of perfection and they could do no wrong.
Once the initial fog clears out, however, reality begins to set in. You've been on the dating circuit long enough to know that feeling a magnetic attraction toward a person is not an indicator of future relationship success. But at the same time, you can’t deny the intensity of your feelings.
It’s normal to get swept up by emotion in the early phases of courtship because of what’s going on a physiological level. The object of your desire is sending your brain into overdrive with a surge of feel-good chemicals—dopamine, adrenaline, and oxytocin— which rewire your brain.
Bottom line? You lose touch with any reasonable thought process. If you’re not alert, you won’t be able to see the person for who they really are and could miss a few red flags in the process. But don’t let this freak you out just yet! Experiencing a high is a normal start for any connection.
This early stage is what relationship experts call “limerence,” a phase where we’re driven primarily by chemistry and novelty. To put this into perspective, studies show that the highs we experience during this stage mimics the intoxicating effects of cocaine!
Love experts encourage people to enjoy the warm and fuzzy feelings but watchout for idealizing the person and, more importantly, your feelings for the person. There’s nothing wrong with being deeply attracted to the person but it’s a problem when we aren’t clear about why we’re attracted.
Before jumping in, you may want to check if what you’re feeling for them is genuine and real.
It can be tough to tell if you’re falling in love or if you’re merely infatuated, since both look similar. Knowing the key differences between love and infatuation will make it easier.
There’s a small chance that infatuation can evolve into love, but most of the time it doesn’t.
If you’re looking for something with stability and a chance to grow, avoid getting caught up in a spell, and aim for love. Here are six ways to tell the difference between love and infatuation.
You love their character, not just their looks (or other surface-level things).
Infatuation is all about surface-level attraction based on status, money and looks—anything that makes someone look good on paper. Love, however, happens when you appreciate a person's character and their values. Your connection has staying power if you actually like the person for their deeper qualities and their aspirations to become a better person in every way.
You don’t just dream about being physically intimate with them, you dream about sharing experiences with them.
Infatuation causes a quick attraction that hits you over the head. Even if you don’t know anything about the person, you already feel the urge to be intimate with them. While a desire for intimacy occurs in the early stage of every connection, it’s a slow burn in the case of falling in love. When you’re in love, you initially think about doing activities with them that involve little and no physical intimacy, whether that be hiking, paintball, cooking or taking your dog for a walk.
You see them for who they are not what you hope they would be.
Infatuation is steeped in fantasy and an imagined ideal. We project our dreams, fantasies (as well as our fears and baggage) onto the person we’re smitten with. The idealism causes us to put the person on a pedestal making it hard to see the other person for who they truly are. Love, on the other hand, is based on the realistic picture of the person we’re dealing with, versus what we want and what we expect them to be. You appreciate all aspects of them, including their weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and you’re willing to accept them fully.
Your feelings grow deeper after spending time hanging out and getting to know them.
Being infatuated is an instant crush that you have on someone from the moment you lay eyes on them. It’s exciting and fun, just like a high school crush. While immediate attraction shows future love potential, it’s not guaranteed. Love takes time and requires getting to know the person better. It can take a few dates to realize you’re in love and feel a deeper connection.
You don’t get obsessed and neglect the rest of your life.
Infatuation has an obsessive quality to it that makes you throw your priorities out the window. Friends, family, work or school responsibilities might fall by the wayside, as you fixate on your person of interest. When in love, you’re able to build boundaries and create space and time for all areas of your life. You don’t lose sight that you have a life of your own, and your thoughts and energy aren’t wrapped around your person and every move they make (and don’t make).
Your connection is exciting, but drama-free.
Passion, intensity and desire are hallmarks of infatuation. You constantly feel like you’re on the edge of your seat. If a text goes unanswered you fear the worst, and when you finally receive one, you’re as high as a kite. The chase and the need to conquer with dramatic love gestures can take a toll on your emotional wellbeing. Love is calmer and fluid. There’s a sense of positive anticipation about developing a connection but it doesn’t consume you. You stay balanced and enjoy the slow and steady process of getting to know the person.
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